Well, it has been just over a year since our home computer died, and I was unwillingly torn from the world of online networking... I am still without a home computer, though we are working hard to rectify that. I take advantage of brief opportunities when Lynn's MacBook is available. Usually, though, just like what is happening right now... I get one or two sentences into a blog post, one that has been weighing on my heart and yearning to be expressed, (whether or not anyone reads it!), and the window of opportunity closes. Alas, my existence as a human being is temporarily on hold... Perhaps I will get to write again later. It is Saturday after all.
Until then...
2.06.2010
12.20.2008
Truth Letters
Hello dear friends and family! Before I begin there are a few key pieces of information you need to be aware of...
1. Our computer at home died.
2. We then cut our internet!!
3. I am currently in the middle of Lynn's Christmas Eve Service rehearsal trying to use his MacBook on the church's connection, and Lynn keeps taking it from me because he needs it for his rehearsal...
Ugh!!!! Now that that's out of the way, I have been longing desperately for an opportunity to respond to the many letters I received in my "truth box" on my 25th birthday. I am hoping that each of you will come across this either on my blog, or facebook.
Honestly, I was overwhelmed, even broken. It took me a few days to read through them all, and I was overcome with the Presence of the Lord ministering to me. What struck me the most was that people from different seasons of my life, from past to the present, all wrote and saw the same things in me. I feel so different now from college days or before and I am blessed that people could recognize the hand of God on my life and my hunger for more of Him even then.
I guess the miracle of our testimony is how we grow and change in the Lord, becoming more like him and less like the 'crooked and depraved generation" (Phil 2:15) we live in. The miracle of the Body of Christ is that we offer each other the grace to walk through that process. What a beautiful painting of grace etched across each letter, a testimony to the love of God at work in our hearts!!
Thanks and be blessed!! I'm 25!! God bless you all in the coming 2009!!
1. Our computer at home died.
2. We then cut our internet!!
3. I am currently in the middle of Lynn's Christmas Eve Service rehearsal trying to use his MacBook on the church's connection, and Lynn keeps taking it from me because he needs it for his rehearsal...
Ugh!!!! Now that that's out of the way, I have been longing desperately for an opportunity to respond to the many letters I received in my "truth box" on my 25th birthday. I am hoping that each of you will come across this either on my blog, or facebook.
Honestly, I was overwhelmed, even broken. It took me a few days to read through them all, and I was overcome with the Presence of the Lord ministering to me. What struck me the most was that people from different seasons of my life, from past to the present, all wrote and saw the same things in me. I feel so different now from college days or before and I am blessed that people could recognize the hand of God on my life and my hunger for more of Him even then.
I guess the miracle of our testimony is how we grow and change in the Lord, becoming more like him and less like the 'crooked and depraved generation" (Phil 2:15) we live in. The miracle of the Body of Christ is that we offer each other the grace to walk through that process. What a beautiful painting of grace etched across each letter, a testimony to the love of God at work in our hearts!!
Thanks and be blessed!! I'm 25!! God bless you all in the coming 2009!!
11.15.2008
lovable, delectable, irrisistible Princess Roya.
Always and Never
(to be understood loosely - true to our feminine form.)
Always laughs when her movie starts, ready to watch.
Always smiles when the children sing songs.
Always splashes her bath water and chews on her ducks.
Always cries when she's cold, drying off.
Always bites when her mouth hurts, which is all too often.
Always cries when her head bumps... very sad!
Always kicks when her bum's changed and rolls when she's dressed.
Always takes Advil... always teeths. :)
Never wants to be put down, except when exploring.
Never listens when Mom and/or Dad say "No!"
Never stops scheming, though she'll pretend in that moment.
Never gives easy when she wants what she wants!
Always moves in her crib, rolling all over.
Always finds the one hole she shouldn't fall in :)
Always plays with her stuffed animals, snuggling their fur.
Always giggles when doggies are licking her chin!
Always shy in new places, needing time to adjust.
Always cautious with who she "lets in"
Always delights in attention, adores little children.
Always safe with our loved ones and friends.
Never sleeps without fighting.
Never eats with a spoon.
Never crawls over walks.
Never likes the word "soon".
Always smiles up at Dad and reaches for Mom.
Always thrives when our family's alone.
Always crawls on my legs, and tickles my toes.
Always relaxes when we enter our home.
Always lifts up her hand and watches it move.
Always looks at the scenery around.
Always sees in your eyes and knows who she knows.
Always knows when she's safe, she's been found.
I love my Princess Roya!! :)
(to be understood loosely - true to our feminine form.)
Always laughs when her movie starts, ready to watch.
Always smiles when the children sing songs.
Always splashes her bath water and chews on her ducks.
Always cries when she's cold, drying off.
Always bites when her mouth hurts, which is all too often.
Always cries when her head bumps... very sad!
Always kicks when her bum's changed and rolls when she's dressed.
Always takes Advil... always teeths. :)
Never wants to be put down, except when exploring.
Never listens when Mom and/or Dad say "No!"
Never stops scheming, though she'll pretend in that moment.
Never gives easy when she wants what she wants!
Always moves in her crib, rolling all over.
Always finds the one hole she shouldn't fall in :)
Always plays with her stuffed animals, snuggling their fur.
Always giggles when doggies are licking her chin!
Always shy in new places, needing time to adjust.
Always cautious with who she "lets in"
Always delights in attention, adores little children.
Always safe with our loved ones and friends.
Never sleeps without fighting.
Never eats with a spoon.
Never crawls over walks.
Never likes the word "soon".
Always smiles up at Dad and reaches for Mom.
Always thrives when our family's alone.
Always crawls on my legs, and tickles my toes.
Always relaxes when we enter our home.
Always lifts up her hand and watches it move.
Always looks at the scenery around.
Always sees in your eyes and knows who she knows.
Always knows when she's safe, she's been found.
I love my Princess Roya!! :)
Coming Up.
Considering my recent introspection noted in the two posts previous, I will now embark on a new and exciting journey :) As one who is prone to introspection, I have decided to embark on a series of posts having nothing (at least directly) to do with myself. This discipline is in the hope of balancing my introspection with a healthy, "balanced" :), outlook on life :).
(Lots of smiley faces because I can hear my husband's response to everything I've written.)
(Lots of smiley faces because I can hear my husband's response to everything I've written.)
11.12.2008
P.S.
I reading over what I just posted, I recognize several things I'd like to change, and also serveal things I'd like to add... However, I'm a mom and don't have the time to make it perfect :)
I would like to say that one of the saddest aspects of my past relationships is my inability to feel safe with poeple. That was the primary drive in "performing off the stage". That's also why I appreicate when poeple take time and approach me thoughtfully... because it is a safer environment where I feel more free and able to think and comunicate what I really think or feel.
I would also like to say that I am communicating all of this as "my issue". There is no one else responsible for these "tendencies" or whatever because I am an adult and desire to grow in the Lord and therefore my heart, my thoughts, my boundaries, etc are all my own responsibility. So please do not read any "pointed fingers" into an introspection involving past relationships.
Be blessed!!!
I would like to say that one of the saddest aspects of my past relationships is my inability to feel safe with poeple. That was the primary drive in "performing off the stage". That's also why I appreicate when poeple take time and approach me thoughtfully... because it is a safer environment where I feel more free and able to think and comunicate what I really think or feel.
I would also like to say that I am communicating all of this as "my issue". There is no one else responsible for these "tendencies" or whatever because I am an adult and desire to grow in the Lord and therefore my heart, my thoughts, my boundaries, etc are all my own responsibility. So please do not read any "pointed fingers" into an introspection involving past relationships.
Be blessed!!!
Foundation of Truth.
I cannot begin to understand the path God has been leading me on, except to say that it leads to Truth and freedom in my relationship with Him. I have allowed myself to live under the limelight of His Spirit for many years now, and though I am slow, and need time to process and deeply engage in understanding every aspect of mine and His hearts :), I am now reaping some of the benefits of that journey and discipline.
As a new mom, my life is taking on a shape I never really imagined it taking. Life is progressing in a way I didn't plan, and am not in control of. This seems to be the perfect environment for God to stir up my flesh, prune back those branches, and refine me as a vessel for His glory. I have never been more aware of my own weaknesses and terrible tendencies; but my awareness of God's Presence in my life and work in my heart continues to grow greater and stronger.
I always find it interesting how others see me. It very rarely reflects how I see myself and that is a problem. I also get both extremes... Some poeple seem to see me for all of my weaknesses; others see me for all of my strengths. I get huge amounts of affirmation, and also huge amounts of "You don't measure up to my expectation of you." With that being said, I am also veyr aware that much of the negative is assumed and never spoken out loud. This does a number on my head becuase I am very literal and desire to know something directly if at all.
Some of this introspection comes from my sadness that so many poeple do not really know me. I take the responsibility for this myself, because there is no other way to deal with it. But it still sadens me. I feel that for the first time I am encountering relationships in an environment conducive to healthy relationships. I am experiencing some freedom of the intense pressure I used to feel regarding other people expectations of me.
Many poeple would likely conlude that I am not real, or at least have not been at certain points in my past. In some ways, I agree and some I don't. I have discovered a few things about myself that give insight into this trap I fell into of meeting other people's expectations before being true to myself... 1) I was so desiring someone to come alongside me and help me understand who I am (I seem to function best in a dialogue setting), 2) I am a very slow processer, but was trying to keep up with those around me who were strong sanguine and choleric personalities (family members, friends, and my beloved husband), 3) As an introvert and a performer I got caught in the limelight where things move faster than I was ready to go... I didn't know how to verbalize, "I'm still processing!" when asked questions, and would try to appease the blessed friends curiosity.
There is no point in you knowing anything I just wrote, except that in my past, my true identity, unfortunately, was somewhat hidden beneath the front of what I thought poeple wanted from me. I wanted to be real, and desperately longed for intimate friendships, but needed things to slow down, for someone to really take an interest in knowing me and think for a few moments about something other than themselves. I appreciate thoughtfulness and quality time, careful communication and deep dialogue. I don't think that would have caused a problem if I were not so "up front" so much of my life. As a performer, I cought in people's expectation of me and learned all to fast how to perform off the stage.
My point in all of this introspection, this leap into the intricasies of my complex identity and recent past, is to say that I desire nothing more than to live a life that reflects truth. This requires an identity built on truth, rather than lies or expectations. This requires appropriate boundaries reflecting who God created me to be in all my stubborn introspective introvertedness and artistic, princess qualities :) This requires honest answers and a willingness to say no. This requires a heart that desires God's approval before man's approval. And finally, this requires a willingness to share my true self with others in honest healthy relationships, built on trust and established in love.
Father, my heart's desire is to know you and know you more... To be released as your child, a witness of your true nature and one who glorifies your name. My deisre for my family is to be built on truth and values that reflect that truth. I desire healthy boundaries and honest dialogue. I desire freedom and joy for my daughter and the ability to thrive in who you've created her to be. I desire for your grace to win over my flesh and bring me into your everlasting embrace of intimate warmth and shared secrets... I desire to "melt in your peace"*.
*The More I Seek You, Kari Jobe
As a new mom, my life is taking on a shape I never really imagined it taking. Life is progressing in a way I didn't plan, and am not in control of. This seems to be the perfect environment for God to stir up my flesh, prune back those branches, and refine me as a vessel for His glory. I have never been more aware of my own weaknesses and terrible tendencies; but my awareness of God's Presence in my life and work in my heart continues to grow greater and stronger.
I always find it interesting how others see me. It very rarely reflects how I see myself and that is a problem. I also get both extremes... Some poeple seem to see me for all of my weaknesses; others see me for all of my strengths. I get huge amounts of affirmation, and also huge amounts of "You don't measure up to my expectation of you." With that being said, I am also veyr aware that much of the negative is assumed and never spoken out loud. This does a number on my head becuase I am very literal and desire to know something directly if at all.
Some of this introspection comes from my sadness that so many poeple do not really know me. I take the responsibility for this myself, because there is no other way to deal with it. But it still sadens me. I feel that for the first time I am encountering relationships in an environment conducive to healthy relationships. I am experiencing some freedom of the intense pressure I used to feel regarding other people expectations of me.
Many poeple would likely conlude that I am not real, or at least have not been at certain points in my past. In some ways, I agree and some I don't. I have discovered a few things about myself that give insight into this trap I fell into of meeting other people's expectations before being true to myself... 1) I was so desiring someone to come alongside me and help me understand who I am (I seem to function best in a dialogue setting), 2) I am a very slow processer, but was trying to keep up with those around me who were strong sanguine and choleric personalities (family members, friends, and my beloved husband), 3) As an introvert and a performer I got caught in the limelight where things move faster than I was ready to go... I didn't know how to verbalize, "I'm still processing!" when asked questions, and would try to appease the blessed friends curiosity.
There is no point in you knowing anything I just wrote, except that in my past, my true identity, unfortunately, was somewhat hidden beneath the front of what I thought poeple wanted from me. I wanted to be real, and desperately longed for intimate friendships, but needed things to slow down, for someone to really take an interest in knowing me and think for a few moments about something other than themselves. I appreciate thoughtfulness and quality time, careful communication and deep dialogue. I don't think that would have caused a problem if I were not so "up front" so much of my life. As a performer, I cought in people's expectation of me and learned all to fast how to perform off the stage.
My point in all of this introspection, this leap into the intricasies of my complex identity and recent past, is to say that I desire nothing more than to live a life that reflects truth. This requires an identity built on truth, rather than lies or expectations. This requires appropriate boundaries reflecting who God created me to be in all my stubborn introspective introvertedness and artistic, princess qualities :) This requires honest answers and a willingness to say no. This requires a heart that desires God's approval before man's approval. And finally, this requires a willingness to share my true self with others in honest healthy relationships, built on trust and established in love.
Father, my heart's desire is to know you and know you more... To be released as your child, a witness of your true nature and one who glorifies your name. My deisre for my family is to be built on truth and values that reflect that truth. I desire healthy boundaries and honest dialogue. I desire freedom and joy for my daughter and the ability to thrive in who you've created her to be. I desire for your grace to win over my flesh and bring me into your everlasting embrace of intimate warmth and shared secrets... I desire to "melt in your peace"*.
*The More I Seek You, Kari Jobe
10.27.2008
A new place.
Well, I had planned on continuing the train of thought started in my previous post, but have been drawn onto a new path, so disconnected to those thoughts, I cannot seem to go back :)
I am in a new place. I have pondered what to blog for many weeks concerning this new place, but seem to have no answers. It feels as though I am along for the ride of my life at this time. I have poured out more than perhaps ever before, carring for the needs of our family, and yet have been more free and fulfilled than perhaos ever before. The Lord certainly holds true to His word in bringing me from glory to glory...
I am a thinker and a watcher... a teacher and a discipler... a lover and a ponderer...
As I learn to serve, long to serve, I have also learned to see the Lord serving me, as though I were at the Last Supper, "Here, take and eat," He says, "Take and drink of my cup." I know that I am learning intimacy with Him, being connected in death and in life. It is so interesting how eating and drinking of Him means joining in His death, yet it also means finding true life and sustenance, exuberance and joy.
This new place is good. I have no desire to analyze it. Suffice to say, I am going from glory to glory, walking the faith. Walking the faith always leads to new places that are good.
I am in a new place. I have pondered what to blog for many weeks concerning this new place, but seem to have no answers. It feels as though I am along for the ride of my life at this time. I have poured out more than perhaps ever before, carring for the needs of our family, and yet have been more free and fulfilled than perhaos ever before. The Lord certainly holds true to His word in bringing me from glory to glory...
I am a thinker and a watcher... a teacher and a discipler... a lover and a ponderer...
As I learn to serve, long to serve, I have also learned to see the Lord serving me, as though I were at the Last Supper, "Here, take and eat," He says, "Take and drink of my cup." I know that I am learning intimacy with Him, being connected in death and in life. It is so interesting how eating and drinking of Him means joining in His death, yet it also means finding true life and sustenance, exuberance and joy.
This new place is good. I have no desire to analyze it. Suffice to say, I am going from glory to glory, walking the faith. Walking the faith always leads to new places that are good.
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