A Prayer.

It is now 6:07 am on the same morning of my previous post, but I am drawn to write again...

As I sit here in the presence of the Lord in the quietness of this morning, I am humbled... even broken a little.

I have such a hard time believing in myself, living a life free of shame and guilt. I have known a special and unique call of God on my life since I was a little girl and have spent many days waiting... But on mornings like this I can't help but wonder whether or not He is waiting for me. He has given me His Word and His Spirit and the promise to be with me and to deliver me. He told me not be afraid of their faces but to go where He tells me to go and say what He tells me to say (Jeremiah 1). So what is stopping me?

I am married, and more so, a pastor's wife. That, unfortunately, stops me. There are unwritten rules about this position in life that no one, especially not my husband, is forcing on me; but even still they stop me.

I am pregnant, and very glad to be so. So my role is in the home with my husband and raising my child(ren), right? This, too, tends to stop me.

I have had poor physical health. This is a big one that has stopped me too many times. I feel too weak to be a faithful wife and keeper of our home, a young mother, a helper in our finances, and still pour myself in ministry to the Lord and others...

Some days I do not feel like the new creation in Christ I know that I am. I do not feel like a strong woman of God, walking in the fullness of God's love, power, and wisdom. Instead I remember the things people have said about me whether true or not true and I wonder... Are they true? Then I feel shame. The enemy is very good at playing on my shame. I remember the times I have failed and feel inadequate, unworthy. The reality is that I get tired and begin to turn my focus in on self rather than consistently walking the walk of faith, centered on God and walking in the glorious light of His redemption.

When I am focused on self, I am the hurt, lost child again, feeling alone and confused about who I am. When I am focused on God, I am confident in His Spirit at work in my life and alert to His leadings and gentle voice.

I am so unworthy of His love; yet He loves me. I have such a hard time believing in myself and walking in strength... Yet he believes in me and "has prayed for me that my faith might remain strong".

Father, you have never called the perfect ones, but the broken. You delight in the one who is humble and contrite in spirit and who trembles at Your Word. You entrust your righteousness to the one who walks by faith and not by sight. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!

Help me to walk in spirit and in truth. Give me wisdom and revelation in Your Word. Strengthen me to step out onto the waves, fixing my eyes on You...

Sleepless Nights.

Well, it is currently 5:26 am according to my laptop clock... I have already been up two other times in the night, and decided to stay up after being wide awake at 3:30 am. I have already spent beautiful time with the Lord, written to my child in his/her journal, and prepared for voice lessons that start today.

As much as my head hurts from wanting to sleep, I love these mornings. There is something so still and beautiful about the early morning. The world quiets down, and is uncharacteristically still for ~8 hours of the night; but the glory of God remains as strong and evident as ever. God doesn't sleep, but remains present, watching over His sheep, pouring His love over us, crying and calling to the lost. He remains consistent in all his glory and Majesty over all the earth; but the echo of His heart is heard in the stillness and quietness of the early morning. His still, small voice is not yet drowned out by the hustle and bustle of the day...

And then the song... Oh the beautiful song of creation that whirs throughout the night only to swell and expand into a glorious chorus with the rising of the sun, the ever present reminder that my Jesus is alive! He is the Morning Star!

What a way to start the day?! Now if only I could experience that and get rested all at the same time...

Watchful.

I have had a few days of being beutifully led by the Spirit into beautifully divine apointments and important decisions being made. God is stirring so much within me right now. I feel as thoug I am on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what's going to happen!

What are you up to Father?

In my spirit, I see a wide open door directly in front of me; while at the same time, I am saying no to opportunities I have only dreampt of. What is this open door, Father? Where are you leading me?

I am watchful to see where the Spirit is leading and what the Father is up to.

Please pray with me.