lovable, delectable, irrisistible Princess Roya.

Always and Never
(to be understood loosely - true to our feminine form.)

Always laughs when her movie starts, ready to watch.
Always smiles when the children sing songs.
Always splashes her bath water and chews on her ducks.
Always cries when she's cold, drying off.

Always bites when her mouth hurts, which is all too often.
Always cries when her head bumps... very sad!
Always kicks when her bum's changed and rolls when she's dressed.
Always takes Advil... always teeths. :)

Never wants to be put down, except when exploring.
Never listens when Mom and/or Dad say "No!"
Never stops scheming, though she'll pretend in that moment.
Never gives easy when she wants what she wants!

Always moves in her crib, rolling all over.
Always finds the one hole she shouldn't fall in :)
Always plays with her stuffed animals, snuggling their fur.
Always giggles when doggies are licking her chin!

Always shy in new places, needing time to adjust.
Always cautious with who she "lets in"
Always delights in attention, adores little children.
Always safe with our loved ones and friends.

Never sleeps without fighting.
Never eats with a spoon.
Never crawls over walks.
Never likes the word "soon".

Always smiles up at Dad and reaches for Mom.
Always thrives when our family's alone.
Always crawls on my legs, and tickles my toes.
Always relaxes when we enter our home.

Always lifts up her hand and watches it move.
Always looks at the scenery around.
Always sees in your eyes and knows who she knows.
Always knows when she's safe, she's been found.

I love my Princess Roya!! :)

Coming Up.

Considering my recent introspection noted in the two posts previous, I will now embark on a new and exciting journey :) As one who is prone to introspection, I have decided to embark on a series of posts having nothing (at least directly) to do with myself. This discipline is in the hope of balancing my introspection with a healthy, "balanced" :), outlook on life :).

(Lots of smiley faces because I can hear my husband's response to everything I've written.)

P.S.

I reading over what I just posted, I recognize several things I'd like to change, and also serveal things I'd like to add... However, I'm a mom and don't have the time to make it perfect :)

I would like to say that one of the saddest aspects of my past relationships is my inability to feel safe with poeple. That was the primary drive in "performing off the stage". That's also why I appreicate when poeple take time and approach me thoughtfully... because it is a safer environment where I feel more free and able to think and comunicate what I really think or feel.

I would also like to say that I am communicating all of this as "my issue". There is no one else responsible for these "tendencies" or whatever because I am an adult and desire to grow in the Lord and therefore my heart, my thoughts, my boundaries, etc are all my own responsibility. So please do not read any "pointed fingers" into an introspection involving past relationships.

Be blessed!!!

Foundation of Truth.

I cannot begin to understand the path God has been leading me on, except to say that it leads to Truth and freedom in my relationship with Him. I have allowed myself to live under the limelight of His Spirit for many years now, and though I am slow, and need time to process and deeply engage in understanding every aspect of mine and His hearts :), I am now reaping some of the benefits of that journey and discipline.

As a new mom, my life is taking on a shape I never really imagined it taking. Life is progressing in a way I didn't plan, and am not in control of. This seems to be the perfect environment for God to stir up my flesh, prune back those branches, and refine me as a vessel for His glory. I have never been more aware of my own weaknesses and terrible tendencies; but my awareness of God's Presence in my life and work in my heart continues to grow greater and stronger.

I always find it interesting how others see me. It very rarely reflects how I see myself and that is a problem. I also get both extremes... Some poeple seem to see me for all of my weaknesses; others see me for all of my strengths. I get huge amounts of affirmation, and also huge amounts of "You don't measure up to my expectation of you." With that being said, I am also veyr aware that much of the negative is assumed and never spoken out loud. This does a number on my head becuase I am very literal and desire to know something directly if at all.

Some of this introspection comes from my sadness that so many poeple do not really know me. I take the responsibility for this myself, because there is no other way to deal with it. But it still sadens me. I feel that for the first time I am encountering relationships in an environment conducive to healthy relationships. I am experiencing some freedom of the intense pressure I used to feel regarding other people expectations of me.

Many poeple would likely conlude that I am not real, or at least have not been at certain points in my past. In some ways, I agree and some I don't. I have discovered a few things about myself that give insight into this trap I fell into of meeting other people's expectations before being true to myself... 1) I was so desiring someone to come alongside me and help me understand who I am (I seem to function best in a dialogue setting), 2) I am a very slow processer, but was trying to keep up with those around me who were strong sanguine and choleric personalities (family members, friends, and my beloved husband), 3) As an introvert and a performer I got caught in the limelight where things move faster than I was ready to go... I didn't know how to verbalize, "I'm still processing!" when asked questions, and would try to appease the blessed friends curiosity.

There is no point in you knowing anything I just wrote, except that in my past, my true identity, unfortunately, was somewhat hidden beneath the front of what I thought poeple wanted from me. I wanted to be real, and desperately longed for intimate friendships, but needed things to slow down, for someone to really take an interest in knowing me and think for a few moments about something other than themselves. I appreciate thoughtfulness and quality time, careful communication and deep dialogue. I don't think that would have caused a problem if I were not so "up front" so much of my life. As a performer, I cought in people's expectation of me and learned all to fast how to perform off the stage.

My point in all of this introspection, this leap into the intricasies of my complex identity and recent past, is to say that I desire nothing more than to live a life that reflects truth. This requires an identity built on truth, rather than lies or expectations. This requires appropriate boundaries reflecting who God created me to be in all my stubborn introspective introvertedness and artistic, princess qualities :) This requires honest answers and a willingness to say no. This requires a heart that desires God's approval before man's approval. And finally, this requires a willingness to share my true self with others in honest healthy relationships, built on trust and established in love.

Father, my heart's desire is to know you and know you more... To be released as your child, a witness of your true nature and one who glorifies your name. My deisre for my family is to be built on truth and values that reflect that truth. I desire healthy boundaries and honest dialogue. I desire freedom and joy for my daughter and the ability to thrive in who you've created her to be. I desire for your grace to win over my flesh and bring me into your everlasting embrace of intimate warmth and shared secrets... I desire to "melt in your peace"*.

*The More I Seek You, Kari Jobe

A new place.

Well, I had planned on continuing the train of thought started in my previous post, but have been drawn onto a new path, so disconnected to those thoughts, I cannot seem to go back :)

I am in a new place. I have pondered what to blog for many weeks concerning this new place, but seem to have no answers. It feels as though I am along for the ride of my life at this time. I have poured out more than perhaps ever before, carring for the needs of our family, and yet have been more free and fulfilled than perhaos ever before. The Lord certainly holds true to His word in bringing me from glory to glory...

I am a thinker and a watcher... a teacher and a discipler... a lover and a ponderer...

As I learn to serve, long to serve, I have also learned to see the Lord serving me, as though I were at the Last Supper, "Here, take and eat," He says, "Take and drink of my cup." I know that I am learning intimacy with Him, being connected in death and in life. It is so interesting how eating and drinking of Him means joining in His death, yet it also means finding true life and sustenance, exuberance and joy.

This new place is good. I have no desire to analyze it. Suffice to say, I am going from glory to glory, walking the faith. Walking the faith always leads to new places that are good.

Genuine: Part 1

I am going to say somthing very bluntly: I am glad to be on the outside of the Wesleyan bubble.

It was very divine when and how God plucked Lynn and I out of the Wesleyan network we were ministering in, bringing us to the Baptist church we now serve. God did a marvelous work in our hearts during this transition, opening our hearts and minds up to see Him in a completely new light, with completely new brothers and sisters in Christ. This experience enriched our hearts and lives more than we could describe. We were literally healed in our souls by the grace, peace, and genuine warmth with which we were received... Don't get me wrong, we are not Baptist. But we are not Wesleyan either. God allowed us the opportunity to be... just believers. Not really belonging to anyone, but Him and the body of Christ as a whole. What a beauitful thing!!

I felt so much stress and tension in the Wesleyan circles we had found ourselves in. In truth, I could barely see God anymore. The kind of intensity that is required to live that kind of faith, as Wesley or other celebrated ministers gone before, is not for me. I need time to reflect and ponder. I need a peaceful and restful environment to worship and meditate on the Scriptures. I don't need to be wondering, "Am I intense enough to be a Christian? Am I measuring up?" To be honest I felt like I was constantly judged and criticized, mostly by people's assumptions of me rather than the real me, since no one had the time to really discover who I was or what made me tick after all.

There is so much to enjoy in our world today. My eyes were not really opened to it until we made this transition. Here, we have just as many unbelieving friends as we do believing. Poeple swear around us, drink around us, say balderdash things about life and God, and we have never been happier :). We feel free to be who we are and allow others to be free to be who they are. God is so much bigger than one experience of him!!

I think, if you cannot sit back and see the benefits outside your "world", or how Lynn perfectly put it, "if you cannot see God in someone else's world", I think you are all the worse for it. How then can you relate to unbelievers if you cannot even
acknowledge the good in who they are and how they experience God? Because you can be sure that they are. One way or another God is speaking to their hearts, showing up in their routine, coming forth with sunshine to bless them in their day. God honors them and respects them and blesses them. If we cannot honor them and respect them when God is honoring them and respecting them, and then think we can show them God???? I think we will end up doing more harm then good for the true witness Jesus would like to have in their lives.

To be or not to be?

As I continue this study of Muslims in Muslim countries, I am confronted with Islamic traditions of female submission. There is much to be said about submission within a Muslim context. It is extreme, but at its basic level, somewhat similar in principle to our own Christian traditions of the submissive wife. The women must submit and obey to men and the law.

In our own culture, how much does culture and tradition dictate what submission looks like in a Christian marriage? It often reflects religious law, but perhaps not the law of freedom in Christ...

I wrestle with this within myself because I long to know what my role is as Christian wife and mother. How do I honor God and my husband in these roles? My heart longs to explore and study, research and learn, and to be in the trenches of ministry myself. But if I am to be involved in study or ministry, does my family suffer? If I involve myself with something other than church and family responsibilities, than someone else needs to be with our baby, and keeping house. What expectations are fair and reasonable to put on my husband in regard to these needs? Particularly when he is busy fulfilling his role of provider and called minister of God? Would I consider other childcare options?

I am asking these questions because I am confronted with a call to which I must obey or disobey. Of course it makes no sense to disobey God in order to meet some Christian standard. But I have had to face hard questions within myself. Can I live with myself if I am a stay at home Mom, or can I live with myself if I am not?

Ultimately, I know the best route for our family is God's plan. I know only blessings result from obedience to Him. But, it is taking a great step of faith to believe first of all, that I can be who he is calling me to be, wife mother, minister, business woman, author... second of all, that he will provide for and protect my family, even when I am engaged elsewhere.

So, I am choosing to turn form the letter of the law and those who would criticize me for having a life other than family responsibilities, and am choosing to obey God, trusting in his grace and mercy and calling upon His Spirit to strengthen and guide me.