A Prayer.

It is now 6:07 am on the same morning of my previous post, but I am drawn to write again...

As I sit here in the presence of the Lord in the quietness of this morning, I am humbled... even broken a little.

I have such a hard time believing in myself, living a life free of shame and guilt. I have known a special and unique call of God on my life since I was a little girl and have spent many days waiting... But on mornings like this I can't help but wonder whether or not He is waiting for me. He has given me His Word and His Spirit and the promise to be with me and to deliver me. He told me not be afraid of their faces but to go where He tells me to go and say what He tells me to say (Jeremiah 1). So what is stopping me?

I am married, and more so, a pastor's wife. That, unfortunately, stops me. There are unwritten rules about this position in life that no one, especially not my husband, is forcing on me; but even still they stop me.

I am pregnant, and very glad to be so. So my role is in the home with my husband and raising my child(ren), right? This, too, tends to stop me.

I have had poor physical health. This is a big one that has stopped me too many times. I feel too weak to be a faithful wife and keeper of our home, a young mother, a helper in our finances, and still pour myself in ministry to the Lord and others...

Some days I do not feel like the new creation in Christ I know that I am. I do not feel like a strong woman of God, walking in the fullness of God's love, power, and wisdom. Instead I remember the things people have said about me whether true or not true and I wonder... Are they true? Then I feel shame. The enemy is very good at playing on my shame. I remember the times I have failed and feel inadequate, unworthy. The reality is that I get tired and begin to turn my focus in on self rather than consistently walking the walk of faith, centered on God and walking in the glorious light of His redemption.

When I am focused on self, I am the hurt, lost child again, feeling alone and confused about who I am. When I am focused on God, I am confident in His Spirit at work in my life and alert to His leadings and gentle voice.

I am so unworthy of His love; yet He loves me. I have such a hard time believing in myself and walking in strength... Yet he believes in me and "has prayed for me that my faith might remain strong".

Father, you have never called the perfect ones, but the broken. You delight in the one who is humble and contrite in spirit and who trembles at Your Word. You entrust your righteousness to the one who walks by faith and not by sight. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!

Help me to walk in spirit and in truth. Give me wisdom and revelation in Your Word. Strengthen me to step out onto the waves, fixing my eyes on You...

Sleepless Nights.

Well, it is currently 5:26 am according to my laptop clock... I have already been up two other times in the night, and decided to stay up after being wide awake at 3:30 am. I have already spent beautiful time with the Lord, written to my child in his/her journal, and prepared for voice lessons that start today.

As much as my head hurts from wanting to sleep, I love these mornings. There is something so still and beautiful about the early morning. The world quiets down, and is uncharacteristically still for ~8 hours of the night; but the glory of God remains as strong and evident as ever. God doesn't sleep, but remains present, watching over His sheep, pouring His love over us, crying and calling to the lost. He remains consistent in all his glory and Majesty over all the earth; but the echo of His heart is heard in the stillness and quietness of the early morning. His still, small voice is not yet drowned out by the hustle and bustle of the day...

And then the song... Oh the beautiful song of creation that whirs throughout the night only to swell and expand into a glorious chorus with the rising of the sun, the ever present reminder that my Jesus is alive! He is the Morning Star!

What a way to start the day?! Now if only I could experience that and get rested all at the same time...

Watchful.

I have had a few days of being beutifully led by the Spirit into beautifully divine apointments and important decisions being made. God is stirring so much within me right now. I feel as thoug I am on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what's going to happen!

What are you up to Father?

In my spirit, I see a wide open door directly in front of me; while at the same time, I am saying no to opportunities I have only dreampt of. What is this open door, Father? Where are you leading me?

I am watchful to see where the Spirit is leading and what the Father is up to.

Please pray with me.

Miracles.

Today my mind feels rather numb.

One Scripture in particular has continually risen to the surface of my mind and heart over the past year: "Did I not say that if you believe me, you will see the glory of God?" (John 11:40).

This Scripture seems to arise, when I am surrounded by situations that seem to be perfect opportunities for God to glorify himself. Since we have entered the pastoral realm of church life, this feels like a common state of being...

However, what I keep learning is that a situation that might naturally seem like a perfect opportunity for God to glorify Himself, like a sick child, or a dying loved one, is not always His choice for a perfect opportunity... Instead he seems to prefer the miracle of the heart... when a child of God begins to bear His fruit in their life, walking by faith and nor by sight, bringing forth life instead of death in their relationships, grace instead of judgment or offense. The transformation of the human heart from self-centeredness to God-centeredness, from bondage in fear to the divine power, perfect love, and divine wisdom of the Holy Spirit of God... yes that seems to be the greatest miracle of all. For God brings life to everything (Nehemiah 9:6) whether in life and resurrection on earth, or in life and resurrection of the eternal soul and body...

It makes me ask the question... Was the miracle of John 11 Lazarus being raised from the dead? or was it actually Mary and Martha's faith...?

Challenged.

There are a lot of things in life right now pushing me buttons... By that I mean, stirring up my passions, stimulating my mind, and causing me to think things through afresh.

I absolutely love it when this happens. I crave it. I am challenged by it. I grow through it.

For example, the powerful, land marker of our Christian faith: "Love your neighbor" continues to expand my mind and heart throughout new relationships and experiences. Jesus already answered the question, "Who is my neighbor?" with the parable of the Samaritan man. But for me... how do I love? Who do I love? Not with a feeling, but by profound expression of God's heart through the Holy Spirit? That kind of love, the love that never fails, brings healing power into people's lives, changing them, setting them free... How can I bring that into my relationships?

Also, grace. God's grace. This also continues to expand my mind to radical dimensions. I am reading the book "Connecting" by Larry Crabb. Though I don't have it with me to copy a direct quote, he said in his introduction: The strongest and most powerful weapon against broken relationships, etc. is grace. The enemy has none. But God is defined by it.

(Though I've hardly scratched the surface of this book, I highly recommend it!!! I already have a list of people I'm hoping to buy it for.)

Anyway... I've been exposed to amazing things these past few weeks. I am inspired, humbled, and challenged.

Soon I will write about our experience at this years Atlantic Baptist Convention Assembly. I'm still processing what the Lord allowed Lynn and I to witness, though I have no doubt it was profoundly orchestrated by God and part of a larger plan for the Maritime provinces. I'm excited to watch this unfold...

Hungry.

I am hungry... on more than one level.

I am hungry for food, all the time. It's like I need to constantly be eating or my body starts crying out for nutrients. Not big meals, or junk food, but little, healthy meals, the ones that aren't instant :). I need one little healthy meal after another in order to get all the nutrients my baby and my body seem to crave. But I can only afford so much fruit and vegetables and I'm exhausted already let alone after making and eating little healthy meals all day long. I'm so tired of eating and yet feel starving at the same time! It's like my full-time job to eat!

Grrrr... That is the current frustration of my life :)

But I am also hungry for the Lord. It's been a busy summer and I got away from my long seasons of prayer. Our lives have been so radically altered with changes on every side, I have needed those times of quiet rest in the Lord, but have had to adjust to making it work in an almost new life.

So, that leads me to another topic... routine. I love routine. I am so looking forward to this Fall when I will be able to spend the last season of my life before little people begin taking over :) in quiet rest before the Lord, filling myself with His presence, His Life. Whether or not I am a pastor's wife, and whether or not I am a Mom, I am still a called woman of God who has learned to face her fears. Lynne Hybels calls this a dangerous woman because she has the strength, courage, and anointing to change the world. But I am not about striving to make a difference. I am not about proving myself to be a strong and courageous woman. I am about hungering and thirsting after righteousness. I am about being filled with all the fullness of Christ. And out of that place, the place of rest and fullness, I believe God can do wondrous works.

I am hungry. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. (Matthew 5:something)

Father, thank you for renewing my focus after a season of upheaval. Thank you, Lord, for being the only, yet ever available, Way to the Father - to rest in His amazing grace and unchanging love. Still the longings in my soul. Fill the hunger in my soul for more of you... more wisdom, more revelation, and more Presence.

And after all of that, please help me to find fulfillment in our food that you have provided :)

Change.

Our lives are currently full of change.

I was reminded of this because last night we drove to Moncton to say goodbye to my 18 year old brother who at 6:00 this morning flew off to Prairie Bible College. My sister and brother-in-law were there, with my delightful niece and nephew, my parents of course, and youngest brother Robbie.

We had supper and went for a walk. We laughed and sang songs like, "Well I Woke Up This Morning Feelin' Fine", which is just what we love to do when we all get together... spontaneously burst into unrehearsed, beautifully harmonized singing :).

As it approached goodbye time, my sister did something wonderful that she had done for me the night before mine and Lynn's wedding. She asked everyone around the room to tell Joel one thing they love and appreciate about Him, as well as ask him one question. This took about an hour, since my brother Joel is very special and we had many things to say to him. There were tears and laughter and lots of beautiful words of life spoken over him. Then, as a family, we all got around him, laid hands on him, and prayed. It was powerful. God has gifted my family with such a tight bond in the Holy Spirit over the past several years. Each one of us is a powerful testimony to the grace of God that overcomes. It was amazing to hear each person pray (except strong, confident Robbie who was broken over having his big brother leave), and the powerful gifts of the Spirit being displayed in each one.

How blessed am I to have such a family!!!

This change is a good one. We are changing as a family, more distances between us as we grow up and move out... but we are growing in the Lord which continues to bring us closer together. Our spouses have brought such strength and wisdom to our mix, and our children (mine on the way) just add to the blessedness and fulfillment of our home. Our gifts and talents work together to display God's glory in a broken corner of the earth. Yes, the changes in our family have only been opportunities for God to be glorified. I pray that pattern will continue to repeat itself as God molds and shapes us into the warriors we are destined to be for His kingdom here on earth.

Change in light of God's grace is a good thing. It reminds me that I'm not in control, and that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose.

God continue to be glorified in our family and in our lives as we follow you through many seasons...