My Dream.

In conversation with some friends of ours, I found myself once again sharing my heart and desire for ministry in the Maritimes. I am burdened for the Church in Canada and feel an acute sense of calling to it. I am aware of the gap that continues to expand between our church "culture" and the one around us. I am not one who tends to focus too much on the enemy, as that seems to give him just a little too much delight, but I see him moving strategically around the church in Canada with obvious plans to steal its joy and unity, squelch its light, and ultimately destroy it. The Church, in general, however, seems completely ignorant of the changes happening around us, the reality of our pagan culture, the need for compassion/mercy ministries and aboriginal evangelism, and the path we are inevitably taking as perhaps Muslims become the religious group majority and Christian values continue to wane and dissapate.

I am not at all crying a "woe is us" message!! I am not dissuaded at all becuase I have every confidence in the church and ultimately in our God!! This is where my heart is at present: I desire to see the church no longer rely on others in the world to shine the light of Christ, on others from the States for example to walk in the freedom of the Spirit and the expression of their gifts, supplying others with sound teaching, healing ministries, etc. Why do we rely on others when God is HERE, ready to bless us in the gifts He has seen fit to distribute HERE? I believe we need to have our eyes opened and spirits attuned to His voice to see how we can be a shining light to our community and rise up as the church of God, walking in the Spirit and all sorts of spiritual gifts...

My dream is to produce study materials as a Maritimer, speaking to the Maritimers, having a headquarters that publishes books, etc. So that we can speak the Word of God into our own culture and perhaps expand from there. Please understand also that this is not a "get big and succesful" vision, but a lets walk in the anointing that God has placed on our church and stop being oppressed, believing lies like "God doesn't move that way here". I am so convinced of this because I see it on faces and hear it in testimonies all over the place. So many are seeing the same move of God in the Spirit when they pray and consider His stirring in their own heart.

There is so much more to say about this, but I must tend to my house. :) I have much more to say about the international church in regard to missions and evangelism, youth ministries and empowring young people to make the difference in the world that we say they can...

(Oh my gosh, I just realized I wrote "young people"!!!!! I am officially old!!! I meant teenagers...)

Journeying.

Even though I have not been posting... I have so much to say!!!! I hope to blog more, but just haven't made it a priority amidst the craziness of family, church, business, etc! My goodness life is different with a little monkey who refuses to sleep and already knows exactly how to push my buttons and throw tantrums all day long, and then be the most delightful child you could imagine all at the same time :) She's complex like me :) Though she's a lot like Lynn too.

Anyway, I have a lot I'd like to write about, but for now, since I really want to be sleeping... Hmmmm, sleep... suffice to say that God continues to work in my heart and draw me closer to Him. I have been so dissatisfied with the "quantity" of Holy Spirit at work in my life right now. I am so exhausted and of course am not spending time in the word as I used to. I am getting drained, and need to recharge spiritually, re-center myself on Christ, re-ground in the Word. No matter what season I am in, I want to have a listening heart that is attuned to the voice of the Spirit and can obey under His anointing. I want my life to be marked with His love and power. I want my faith to grow to a place of impact where I can pray for someone to be healed and truly live with the power of God flowing through my life, so that the Scriptures are true and God's healing power and loving heart is made manifest through me. There is so much my heart is hungering for, but my flesh is fighting exhaustion. My body has never been strong and the demands mothering brings has been a physical challenge.

But again, God is shedding light on my stubbornness and independence from Him. In one of my complaining sessions with Him, He spoke to my heart, "You want our relationship to be on your terms, but it just can't be. It has to be on my terms. I'm here and waiting, but you have to surrender these things..." Then I think, "Why is it that you always think I can handle more than I think I can handle? Can't I just stay a baby and not have to grow up and drink this cup?"

Then I remember that everything with God is easy. He is meek and lowly in heart, His yoke easy and his burden light. Futhermore, His grace is sufficient and He is the One at work in my life. I can surrender myself to the gentle flow of grace and find my thirst quenched, heart strengthened, mind edified, and spirit empowered... How easily I forget!!!

Anyway, I am blessed beyond measure, and am returning to that place of peace where my soul is at rest in his Presence. Still, though, I wait for God to heal my physical body and give me one day without pain and weakness... I'm going from glory to glory!! Praise God!

Trust.

Okay, I'm going to be vulnerable.

If you know me, you are likely familiar with this personal characteristic... I do not easily trust people. I hate this about myself, because the Bible is very clear that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, and love always trusts... But still, I find myself reflecting once again on how little I actually extend my trust to another human being.

Sometimes I fool myself into thinking that I am trusting. I go on thinking this way because my friends and loved ones are very gracious and do not just outright tell me that I am bad at trusting them. But every now and then I get a wake up call. A test of trust will arise in a relationship and what is my first response? I assume that they never really loved me at all and I was right all along in never trusting another person with my heart. How juvanile is that??? I am now mature enough to rethink that initial reponse and recognize that more often than not, this person has been completely trustworthy. Am I willing to throw out the numerous occasions in which they proved themselves a true and dear friend or loved one just becuase of one silly instance in which I was caused to doubt?

I want to be a person that has faith in other people. I want to have the courage to invest my heart into others, not fearing whether or not I will get hurt or be rejected. Somehow connected to that is my need to believe in myself. Our approach to loving others more often than not is a reflection of ourselves rather than the other person. Why am I a person who doesn't trust others, or at least not easily, and is quick to assume the worst in another person's motives? That is not about them, it is about me.

Well, this is a new mountain I am determined to conquer in my life, though I know it will take time. God has graciously brought us to a place where we are loved and safe in new and beautiful friendships (though our old ones are wonderful, too!). It is the perfect environment for God to teach me about loving others with a love that always trusts.

Father, strenghten my heart and give me courage to trust where you have called me to. Give me the strength to invest myself into my husband, my daughter, my friends and family, and others in our ministry... unto life. Your life and blessing in my heart is meant to be a blessing to others... to multiply. Help me follow your Spirit, my heart and mind gaurded in Christ Jesus, and bring glory to your Name as you multiply in others the good work you have done in me. All honor and glory and praise be unto your name! Amen

Grace.

Okay, I'm going to do a little venting...

I have had a few different conversations with friends lately and can't help but wonder about the "church".

Why is it that the church so often fails to remember the gospel? Why when our faith is solely based on grace and redemption are we so quick to judge? Why when our salvation is bought by the blood of Jesus do we assume we then have the right to condemn another soul or hold back forgiveness or acceptance?

It turns out I'm too tired to full out vent... Here's what I think:

God calls us to be His witnesses, the light of the world, the salt of the earth... Though knowledge and cognitive understanding of this run rampant in the church, it is only by His Spirit that we can accomplish such a thing. His Spirit is what guides the life of grace and love the New Testament calls for. It's what changes us from being an old creature to a new creature in Christ Jesus. And religion and Spirit are always opposing because by nature, the Spirit is of God and religion is of man. Religion, though completely natural and needed for human beings to have a context of belief, perpetuates self. The Spirit brings forth the character of Christ in our lives and the supernatural fruit and gifts that edify the body of Christ.

I am so tired of the church hurting people. But I know that "they know not what they do". Because in religion, you see religion... You see the law of your beliefs and you work towards honoring it. It's not always bad to be in religion and I believe God honors those whose hearts are pure in it. But sometimes, it;s necessary to see beyond religion enough to see the Spirit of God at work, to extend grace and mercy just because the Spirit of God is Love, and righteousness is gained by faith.

More and more I see a divide within our churches of those who understand their faith in the context of religion and those who understand their faith in the context of the Spirit. Is one better than the other? Yes. The New Testament is clear that by the Spirit is better. But the other is not bad and can never be judged or condemned. Because the whole point is grace. LOVE!!!

I am too tired to continue and I hope this made a little bit of sense :)

More...

I have a confession. For as long as I can remember I've existed with this underlying sense of expectation for something more. Most days, I pay little attention to it and wait patiently for God to bring about whatever it is in His timing. Other days, however, I am acutely aware of this other dimension in which I live my every day life. On the one hand, I am a wife and soon a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I clean our house, host others in the name of the Lord, sing, teach, pray, etc. I live a wonderful life with a wonderful husband, a wonderful family on both sides, great friends all around the world, and the joy of God's daily presence with me. What more could there be?

Yet my mind is also bombarded with questions concerning the state our world is in, the state the Church is in, the discrepancies among various denominations, the gap between the church and the world, etc. Why is there more money in the world than ever before and yet no one can help the millions of starving people? Why is it that we are more aware of everything going on all around the world than ever before yet no one can seem to do anything about any of it. Why are there so many different organizations at work towards some cause, making little if any impact, when we could all be working together, setting aside our differences for the common goal of actually making a difference? Why is our generation and those behind so discontent with the way things have been done, with little or no guidance as to how to make things better?

I could go on and on. I know we are supposed to be content to do our part and no one can save the world from itself... but I have this constant awareness in my heart that there's more going on. God is at work under the surface of these world events, etc accomplishing something great that I want to be a part of. I don't want to miss it. Every day I look for Him and see Him looking back at me through a different face. People. He is very much about and at work in people.

There is so much corruption i world leadership... such an inability to work together and accomplish something good. I must confess that I find it difficult to remain content with my little, but valuable, life in this little town of Truro.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. (Psalm 37:7)

In more ways than one, I have been playing "the waiting game". I am awaiting the arrival of our little girl who I love so much already. And I am awaiting some sort of clarity or understanding of what stirs in my spirit, building anticipation... for what? What is my role in this great scheme of life?

I live in these two realms every day, usually keeping one to myself so I don't always sound crazy... though I often do :) What it is that I see in the spiritual realm and why does God show me things that I can't understand? Why must I be patient when I want to understand and know why? :)

I suppose there's nothing more I can do... but wait. And of course keep living every day, keep loving, keep praying, keep ministering, keep watching...

Eight Months Pregnant.

Technically, I'm not a full eight months yet... I am 35 weeks along. So in anywhere from 3 weeks to 7 weeks I am going to give birth to this little one growing in my womb.

My pregnancy has been mostly "by the book". Our main concern has been my consistently low blood pressure. It is currently 80 / 40 which is ridiculously low for this stage of pregnancy.

I have had so many emotions throughout this pregnancy... which of course is quite normal. I have felt sure and unsure, confident and full of doubts, content and anxious, calm and stressed, etc. Ultimately, I feel a tremendous sense of having no control. I have no control over this baby's gender, health, personality, likes and dislikes, etc. I certainly make my contribution in these areas, but I'm not in control. I also have little control over our family situation, how much money we'll have, how strong mine and Lynn's marriage will be, what kind of home our children will grow up in... Understand that I know I have a strong impact on these matters, but I cannot create a perfect picture in my mind of what our family should look like and expect it to be that. I cannot expect Lynn and I to be perfect parents, just as I cannot expect life to offer us no trials or challenges.

All of this is just to say that God continues to mold me into a servant for His glory. I am not much, but God has placed a gift within me. It is the gift of free will with which I can choose to walk by faith and not by sight, to walk in the Spirit, rather than in the flesh, to believe that I can do all things through Christ. Faith allows me to have strong confidence in my God so that even though I am not in control, I have assurance in Him. Assurance of what? Certainly not that everything will always be fine... but an assurance that He is above all good and He will never leave me nor forsake me.

This life of faith, I continue to pursue is one of great humility. One that recognizes that I am not in control, nor can I "surrender" to God in such a way that expects Him to bend to my demands. Rather I am humbly submitted to His Spirit and therefore a servant, but the most powerful kind of all. A servant that dares to believe and dares to pray His kingdom come and will be done in her life and on this earth as it is in heaven.

My little girl has an anointing of the Lord to be sure. It has caused me to reflect on my own journey in learning how to walk in the Lord's anointing on my own life. Being a woman called into ministry, I think there is a unique opportunity to bring together strength of the Spirit and grace of the heart to create a powerful weapon of heavenly glory. It's not something I can create or even chase after in myself, but as I walk with the Lord each day in faith and obedience, I think it's something that just happens as His nature is molded into a woman's heart... Does that make sense?

I'm not really a feminist, but I just know the Lord loves me and thinks He created something exceptionally beautiful in me as a woman who can grieve to the deepest depths and rejoice to the highest heights... I like to keep my heart private, but in Christ I hide nothing. I have often lamented the way I was created, because it seems to cause me, and sometimes others, much grief... But in truth I know that as I continue to grow into the woman He sees through the blood, I am to the enemy like Elizabeth Bennett says on Pride and Prejudice, "She would certainly be a fearsome thing to behold." :)

Well, I have much more to say, but have need to say adieu.

Father, I am relying on Your Spirit with every ounce of strength within me. You know the plans you have for me and only you can bring about the work in my heart that you have so faithfully begun. I know this season of my life is one of nurturing, blessing, and blossoming in You. You know the mountains that lie ahead, the distractions that pull at every side... Be glorified in me as a wife, a mother, and as an anointed minister of your Word. May Your grace be sufficient in all these things. Amen.

...and who trembles at my Word...

"Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105

I am a woman of the Word. I say that because I believe my primary calling in life is to actively teach the living Word of God.

This fall, I have spent many moments pondering my role in our family and ministry. In all honesty, I always expected that Lynn and I would be in ministry together. We talked openly about mine and his calling and our ministry together. It was never discussed that he would be in ministry and I would not. People often assume that I'm involved with Lynn, but really I'm not. Our church is blessed with many strong leaders and active volunteers. My role is unclear and even more difficult to find now that I'm expecting a child. So I am doing my best to learn how to be a Pastor's wife and a soon-to-be-mom, while teaching voice for a little extra income and working around the house.

Though life is different than I had imagined it to be, looking forward to when Lynn and I would be settled in ministry together somewhere, I feel very confident that we are in the center of God's will. I am still praying for clarity concerning how to proceed in ministry involvement myself, but in general, God has granted me peace and reassurance that we're nestled in the palm of His hands while He works out His will in our lives.

I don't say that flippantly but in real serious. I am living out the Word that says, "let the peace of God rule in your hearts..." It has proven to take a lot of work! :)

Every day I feel God strengthening me, molding me, shaping me, as I face challenges in our home, our marriage, and daily life. I don't mean any crisis, but the demands of daily life with finances, a new home that needs work, a crazy schedule, and other ministry demands, my health issues, and this pregnancy. I have no idea where God is leading me, but His presence is more real to me than ever. I rely on Him for the strength to get through each day.

Where I am headed with all of this is that I can feel God preparing me in His Word. I've never been more aware that "God has given me everything I need for godliness" that He is at work in my life as I "work out my salvation with fear and trembling". He is building up His house in me, and He's building it on a solid rock. But I've also never been more aware of the perseverance, endurance, and intentionality it takes to see this work done unto completion, bringing forth patience, perseverance unto godliness...

I am a woman of the Word. His Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. His word is alive and active in my life, bringing forth fruit that God-willing glorifies His name!

Father, You know and understand me like no one else on the earth. Continue speaking into my heart and guiding me by your right hand. Continue to surround me with your presence and bear me up with wings as eagles that I might carry this pregnancy through to completion and deliver this child in all strength and endurance unto your glory. Give me wisdom and strength as I seek to walk in your ways and find how I am to give my contribution to our ministry and world of influence. I bless your name in all joy and peace! Amen