In Love With Jesus

God had a special reunion time planned for the two of us this past weekend at Ladies Retreat. Oh it was just so refreshing to remember that He is my love!!! I would like to think that I wouldn't forget such an important truth, but I did. I was distracted by business and worried about my daughters and ministry family dynamics. I was stressed about housework and other's (perceived) expectations. I was fighting some of the old habits of feeling shame and fear... All in all, my center was wobbling. Not toppling or anything like that, just a little off kilter.

I have been reading "Marked" by Faytene Kryskow and loving it! (Thank you, Diana!!) God had some very specific words for me about destiny, consecration, and revelation. It seems that with young children, I have to fight to press into the Word. God seems to be saying to me... "Things are moving too fast, Natasha. Keep in step with the Spirit! Young kids or not..." My kids are not an excuse to worry, to be distracted, or to compromise in any way the entire consecration I give to the author of my destiny, the lover of my soul.

So I am renewed, refreshed, and reignited in my passion to be in His Presence, to soak in the Word until it becomes the rock beneath my feet, a firm foundation on which I can hold my head high and stand firm against the enemy. I choose to follow Christ. There is nothing else more important than that.

I am in love with you, Jesus. I am yours. I will be strong and courageous. I will speak. I will write. I am submitted to your will. Oh help me to be brave!!!

Sleep.

Why can't sleep be a given in life.

Why is that I have to choose between mental "me" time or sleep, a clean kitchen or sleep, social evening with friends or sleep, facebooking/blogging like right now or sleep???

Sleep is a precious thing. Something I have no desire to live without and yet find myself somehow functioning with very little of. It messes with my head and makes me do crazy things. If I'm not careful, it becomes the longing and desire of my heart. Cuddling in bed with Lynn. No thanks. Roll over and go to sleep! Staying awake at night to pray and do intercession in the Spirit... I think God has stopped asking me because He already knows the answer. "Not now."

I have very strong and loving relationships with both God and my husband, but sleep is just something that I need. How is it possible to function without it? and yet we do. How will I ever want to have another baby if it means even less sleep?

Right now I'd take sleep over all. Mmmmm, sleep.

I guess that's the end of my post. I'm going to bed.

Goodnight world. Goodnight dishes. Goodnight friends. Goodnight kisses.

"That" Mom

What is it about "that" mom?

I have a "mom" complex. I am desperately insecure about not being "that" mom, while simultaneously being dreadfully afraid about being "that" mom. Let me explain.

My grandmother, Mom, and older sister are all supermoms. They cook, clean, and mother beautiful children (I realize I'm indirectly complimenting myself here...). My grandmother and mom each had four, but my amazing sister takes it to a whole new level. She has four kids, ages four and under, is homeschooling, and still plans to have more. Moms like her cause me to doubt my own mothering ability and wish I were one of "those" moms...

On the other hand, I don't ever want to be"that" mom. "That" mom whose kids are running amok in the grocery store, throwing fits in the aisles and holding up the check-out line. "That" mom who loses it in frustration and receives downward glances from the other onlooking moms. "That" mom who looks like she doesn't have it altogether...

What does God require of me as a mom? How do I discover my unique gifts and qualities as a mom and learn to walk in peace and wisdom as the mom God created me to be. How do I keep from comparing and pretending and striving to meet the perceived expectations of other moms instead of my God's?

I say all this to say... Help! I want to be a woman, and mom, that reflects the character and integrity of the Word. God is weeding through my fears and ungodly expectations. I can feel how I am going against the grain of other parents I meet in our community. I am so exhausted I can barely stay standing throughout the day.

I am "that" mom. I am "that" mom who stands on the word, who worships the King of Kings, who rely's on God's grace to get through a day. I am "that" mom who loses her temper, gets tired of reading stories, is overwhelmed by housework, but is dedicated to discipling our girls. I am "that" mom who lays her head on her pillow, closes her eyes, and hears the Word of God stirring in her spirit.

"God I don't know all that went on today, the ups and downs and ins and outs, but I know Your Presence is with us. Lead and guide us each day. Show me the way! As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!!!"

Running in Victory

For several years now, I have been walking out of physical sickness and weakness by faith. It has felt like an uphill climb with many ups and downs during prenatal and postnatal segments, etc. In the meantime God used the daily pain and struggle to stir up all my lovely baggage and do the hard work of building a foundation of truth in my thinking. The kind of truth that sets you free (John 8:32).

For a long time I have been "walking" a slow walk with a distant hope of someday tasting physical strength and health. I believe healing is necessary for my faithfulness to God's call on my life. My family also needs me strong. I also believe it is a part of my worship, to love Him with all my strength. So... when Graves disease began to reappear after Alea's birth (which is how I once again lost almost all my baby weight within a two week period... It's not all hearts and flowers women!) I knew it was time. My life would either forever remain under the weight of physical oppression, or it was time to live in victory. (I'm talking about a spiritual battle to overcome strongholds in my own life that keep me from God's plan, not some sort of prosperity/health gospel.)

So, on the way to get my bloodwork done, I said, "Okay God, you know what this means. Are you going to do this or aren't you?" And He said, "Are you going to believe me?" It was settled and inside I knew I was healed of Graves Disease.

Since then I have had the most exhilarating stirring in my spirit to run. There's no more slow uphill climb. Instead God says, "Come on! It's time! Let's go. Pick up your feet and run!!!" At the same time, I came across an article on mothers who take to running after having babies for exercise and personal time. The article included a reasonable looking game plan for training yourself as a runner. I'm not saying I'm training to become an official runner, but I am going to run toward strength, health, and wholeness. It's not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord! (Zech 4:6)

I ran for the first time last night. If I hadn't have known how to breathe I would definately have fainted! :) Lynn wasn't entirely pleased with me because I had to go late at night in the dark when he was home to stay with the girls (who were in bed), I don't have proper running shoes, and I may have pushed myself a little hard for the first time because I didn't have a watch to accurately time the running vs walking segments... Still it felt exhilarating!!!

So, hear I go, on wings as eagles I am picking up my feet and running in victory!! I'd appreciate any of your prayers and support to stay the course and build strength in my very weary body.

The More I Seek You - Kari Jobe

A "Mary" Day

What is it about gloomy days? It's one thing to have a gloomy day that's busy. It's an entirely different matter when the day is gloomy and empty on the calendar. Lynn is in and out with Festival and in the city for Camerata tonight, and here I am, home, once again. What am I to do with myself? The house is a mess and could use a cleaning from top to bottom, but that's always true... That's not necessarily going to fill my day with purpose and enthusiasm. I could play with my girls all day, but right now that makes my head feel like it's going to explode :) (Though of course I will be doing that anyway.) I could tackle some big project around the house or file...

I think today is for listening. I'm just going to settle my wrestlessness beneath the mighty hand of God, forget about housewaork, and sit at His feet. I am much more comfortable in "Mary" mode than in "Martha" mode anyway.

Today is a day for one of my favorite songs, The More I Seek You:

The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
Your love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It overwhelms me

Okay Father, I am pressing in to You today. Speak to me and give me peace. Build my confidence in your unfailing love.

"I saw horses!"

Yesterday morning had an interesting beginning. After the sound of pitter patter across the floor, the old-fashioned door handle on Roya's bedroom door began moving and banging back and forth. Lynn responds from downstairs and me from our bedroom...

"Horses, Roya see horses!!" Roya declares in a burst of excitement, the very first words out of her mouth. "Horses? Where are the horses?" asks Lynn. "Roya see horses. Roya see horses!" Roya says as she pulls his hand and leads him down the stairs and out towards our back deck, overlooking the back yard.

Lynn and I took several turns walking Roya outside and into our backyard, trying to explain that there are not really horses or a barn hiding there, but that she had seen them in a dream... a very vivid and real dream. It was a gift from God.

What you need to know for background info:

1. Lynn has a gift with dreams. Throughout his childhood, God has given him many special dreams. He can recount them today as clear as though he had watched it on TV. Whether prophetic, interactive, or just special... Lynn is especially gifted to experience God through dreams.

2. Roya's name is deeply spiritual in the Persian language. It means "sweet dream" referring to visions and premonitions, a sweet anointing of the presence of God through dreams. We pray regularly over her dreams and for God to speak to her in that secret place.

We are quite certain that Roya is beginning to experience God in her dreams in a very vivid and real way just as Lynn did as a child. Yesterday morning was our first peek into that secret world where God carefully and personally unfolds His mysteries.

Thank you, Father, for showing your faithfulness already and being active and present in the minds and hearts of our little ones!!!